Tips from Felix the Feline Philosopher

Love is a bee dressed as a butterfly
Love warms the cockles but leaves you hungry

Patience wins the mouse but loses the bird
A starling in the belly is worth three in a tree

A clean litter tray makes a real home
Happiness is a long hot piss

Adopt a human if you need a hobby
Humans lie when they smile

God drives a white van
The Devil wears a white coat

Hell is the cupboard under the stairs
Trust your whiskers

Never give up unless it’s raining
Eat your rodent while it’s hot

Life is hedgehog
Sleep with one eye open

Love your neighbour but protect your parsnips
Beware the cat in a hat, he is a narcissist

If you meet puss in boots – run away!
Revolution is like catching snowflakes

Jesus was a dog person
Dick Whittington was not Jesus

Reincarnation is for pussies
The moon shines on the hunter

Never climb the willow in a blizzard
Death is tiger lily

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Strange Sightings

The Northern Crack 1st April, 2021.
Exclusive Interview Reveals All:
Were they really Sirens?

I was driving home after night shift at Wick General.
The sun was rising and it was quiet on Cliff Road.
I approached the roundabout at 15 mph. Visibility
was poor. A whisky mist hovered over the river.
At first I thought they were new road signs
but then I saw wings. So I thought maybe pelicans
or those big birds with fancy feathers, ostriches?
Perhaps they’d escaped from a zoo? But then I saw
the bare chests (in April!) chiselled, bronzed
and sleek like Chippendales and I thought they must
be three guys letting rip on a stag night or hungry
patients on the run looking for a cooked breakfast.
They had long blonde hair like the Angel Gabriel
and one of them strummed a guitar. I forgot to keep
left or look right and never saw the red Fiesta crash
into the wall of Mackay’s Hotel or the Transit van
fall off the bridge. The old lady with the cocker
spaniel walked right in front of me. It was too late
to stop. I’ll never forget her torn face and the blood.
I could see the three of them in my mirror peeling
her skin like gold foil from a chocolate Easter
bunny. I was listening to AC/DC’s Highway to Hell
full blast to stay awake so I never heard them singing.
That’s why I’m still here, I suppose…

Image by the author